The irresistible series, Downton Abby, touted as an “instant classic” by the New York Times, is airing on Masterpiece Theatre on Sunday nights in January on PBS. This is a revision of the extremely popular Upstairs, Downstairs that ran in England for years in the 70’s, and is all about boundaries.The upper class family upstairs and the other whole world of the servants below, and the class line between them is an education for all nannies and household staff. As World War One begins, the boundaries are abruptly softened.
Lady Mary Crawley asks Anna, the Head Housemaid, for advice in her love life and Anna demurely replies that it would not be for her to say, but she does instructively convey how she feels about her own lost love: “There will never be another for me.” And when a visiting military commander  is threatened by the spirited Irish chauffeur, Branson, the message must go through a ladder of servant levels until Mr Carson, the butler deftly and smoothly averts the attack without any of the dinner guests realizing what just happened, while we’re sweating it out watching.
Understanding boundaries, called “that magic line” which is never to be crossed, by the real world famous butler, Charles McPhearson, is key to the domestic professional, whether a nanny, mother’s helper, baby nurse, chef, personal assistant, butler or estate manager.

One of the many reasons why Caring Nannies only interviews candidates who have 2-3 years

of nanny experience is that they have experience distinguishing these important boundaries. The home environment is fraught with grey areas.A less experienced nanny will not pick up cues when she should melt away or not give an opinion.

Years ago, I helped several families as a baby nurse, and would often touch base with the mom when I came in. One evening, when I came in  the Mom was chatting with a friend and I sat down on the couch to visit with them. The ladies froze, and I realized I’d missed a cue.
One of our nannies was a live-in nanny for an NBA player, and when  just she and the Mom were together, they were best friends. But when visitors arrived, the nanny was instantly relegated to the ‘servant’ role. An experienced professional will take this in stride and not take it personally.
It’s challenging, because what we love to hear when collecting references  is: “She became like part of the family.” That’s what we all want. We want someone to care for our children and homes as though it were their own. But at the end of the day, they do go home. Accomplishing this balance takes the finesse of a tightrope walker, but this is one way that nannies and domestic staff are completely different from any other professional. The exxperienced ones get it.  We’ve had nannies fired for working out in the master bedroom (it was the mirrored closet doors that inspired her), for giving unwarranted advice, and for following their own protocol rather than the parents.
Tips for nannies and household staff:
Remember that the employer is the boss, and they are paying you to follow their preferences.
Assume that the family needs lots of space and boundaries. They are not hiring a friend. Don’t chit-chat with them about your life. If you’re asked a question that crosses your boundaries,  deflect it sweetly with a smile. Be friendly and professional.

If you have concerns or see a better way of doing something, bring up those concerns privately, not in front of the children or others. If they are not open, drop it and cheerfully continue with their way. In general, give no unsolicited advice unless the children are in danger. As one of our Moms’ reiterated last week, “If you feel you have a better way of doing something, please do it my way or come to me and let’s talk about it.” Your job is to discern needs spoken and unspoken and work with a servant’s heart so that when the employee walks through the door at day’s end, they are free to enjoy their children and home knowing that the major issues of the day have been dealt with.
The longer you’ve been a professional and the more you know, the harder it will be for you to do it their way unless you have that essential servant’s heart. You’ll be accustomed to doing things the way you know is best. Also, you have the recent experience of your last

family, and will naturally want to have the same kind of relationship/ rules/experience that you had before. Be ready to adjust to the new family worldview. Remember: Expectations ruin relationships.

How the family can help:

Be precise in your expectations, definite about messes and schedules. You’re the boss, so be assertive about it. Not easy for most of us. Start the relationship with a written agreement that details duties, hours pay, how discipline is to be handled, mileage compensation, family rules, etc.
It is difficult to become friends with your nanny or housekeeper and then come to them with problem or constructive criticism. Be warm and friendly, but keep back a bit of reserve. The best scenario is when you truly like the person you’ve hired, and you do feel like they could be your friend or a family member, since they are rendering such a vital service to your family.
Schedule formal monthly meetings with your nanny. Obviously, you will touch base daily or weekly, but these longer, more structured meetings will give you an opportunity to take more time to de-clutter any problems in the relationship. A shy caregiver may need more time to open up, and you may need moments of silence to share what is bothering you as well.  Caring Nannies has tools that can help, but you have to opt into a monthly email reminder. We provide tips on how to get started, annual and semi-annual performance reviews and much much more!

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In September, I had the privilege of attending my first Association of Premiere Nanny Agencies (APNA) conference.  35 reputable nanny agencies gathered in beautiful San Diego from all around the country to network, exchange useful information, gain insightful knowledge, and grow and develop their businesses.  It was a very educational experience for me and I walked away with a wealth of knowledge on the domestic staffing industry, a renewed excitement for being a part of this dynamic national association, and a new network of friends and colleagues. It is difficult for me to narrow in on only a couple core points that I retained from this 4 day APNA conference, since there were so many amazing speakers and topics shared.  The itinerary was jam- packed with so much valuable information such as: how to survive in an online world; how to build your brand with social media; how to meet and exceed expectations of employers; how to retain  your top

 talent in a competitive market; and how to survive and flourish in the nanny industry.  Plus there were several opportunities for me to network with other agencies to share ideas,  ask questions, and exchange business information, which was invaluable time spent.
Overall, the most important thing I learned is for us at Caring Nannies to lead with relationships and not tools. Relationship-building is everything to our families and our nannies. Those who deliver service and relationships will win.  Listening to our families’ and nannies’ needs, responding promptly, and communicating openly creates loyalty and builds lasting and trustworthy relationships.  That is our goal at Caring Nannies.
I was more than thrilled to represent Caring Nannies at this year’s APNA conference. Only the most professional Nanny Placement Agencies in the country belong to the Association of Premier Nanny Agencies.  They are a cut above the rest!  In order for a nanny agency to be a member of APNA, it must adhere to APNA’s Code of Ethics and Standards of Ethical Practices.  APNA promotes best business practices in all areas of the nanny placement and household staffing industries and their placement agencies have undergone extensive screening and scrutiny. Caring Nannies is proudly the ONLY nanny agency in the state of AZ that has the coveted seal of APNA and has been affiliated with APNA since….

So why choose an APNA agency instead of the others? They are the best of the best! It is highly beneficial to both nannies and parents to choose an APNA agency to represent them.  For nannies who consider themselves the best of the best in the childcare industry, they know that when parents want the highest caliber of nannies, they will look for an APNA agency nanny.  For parents, they can trust that a reputable APNA agency will be an honest, thorough, ethical business partner throughout this sensitive nanny placement process.  Both nannies and parents know that an APNA agency is going to be a constant source of comfort and support.

My 1st APNA conference was a huge success and I look forward to next year’s and many more to come.  Jenny Riojas, Placement Consultant.

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The difference between now and before the economic downturn is that instead of receiving 5-10 resumes for each position, today, we need to sort through dozens of resumes.  How do we go about matching the people who are best suited for your family?
How can personality testing help you in choosing the right nanny as well as securing an ongoing strong relationship with her?
Interestingly, many of our top tier nannies have their greatest strength in the “Supporter” or “Always there when you need them” Type “D” personality. The typical “D” personality doesn’t like change, and prefers to be given a set of guidelines to follow and they enjoy routine. They are very supportive of others and are the kind of person we turn to when we need advice. They are high in compassion and are happy and content with themselves and life in general. They are dependable, on time, adding balance and support in the home. We suspect that many of our clients are Type A personalities, described

as leaders, entrepreneurial, risk takers, independent, direct and to the point. They prefer to delegate routine tasks to others. Type “A” is often a business owner, manager, or in a position requiring a take charge, decisive, persistent person.
The “C” personality thrives on details, accuracy and takes life seriously. They dress impeccably, want to get the ‘facts’, are consistent, and predictable. They take a long time to make a decision, are deep, thoughtful and sensitive. They can get caught up in the details and not see the big picture.
“B” is the socializer, high energy one, who loves to be in a big group, and is the center of attention, and wants to have fun while working. They want to be liked, and can be sensitive. They are outgoing, persuasive, and talkative.

PERSONALITY OPPOSITES ATTRACT
Although opposites attract, they can clash. Opposites can complement each other if they try to understand each other’s perspective. Opposite personalities often marry and it works since they make up for the other’s weaknesses. However, if a parent is expecting the nanny to do things in a way that is opposite her personality, there can be conflict.
If a neat, precise “C” personality is micro-managing a nanny who is creative, gets out the play-doh, or finger-paints, makes  tents in the living room, and shoots paper airplanes, this may not work out for long. Nothing is “wrong” with either person, they just need to have more insight into each other’s personalities and find middle ground. If the Mom is inflexible and demands perfection, it won’t surprise us to see turnover, especially if the nanny is a strong “B” personality.
Every family and company probably has all 4 personalities, and each one’s gift is needed to balance out the dynamics. The key is having the right understanding to identify these traits so you have the best chance of successfully working with each other.

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Occasionally a nanny or housekeeper will work for years for a family and then get a bad reference,  no reference, or a 2 minute phone interview after 5 years of loyal service. Her career is basically over.

There could be several reasons why a family refuses to give a reference.
· The employee really wasn’t competent, or she wasn’t as good a fit as the children got older and the duties morphed.
· She gradually took more and more advantage of the family’s good will and the family wasn’t decisive. Dad is saying, “Get rid of her!” but Mom is hedging, “But she loves the children so much! Or “I don’t have time to deal with this now!”
· A nanny begins quietly judging your parenting style, has crossed boundaries or broken confidentiality.
· A bad judgment call resulting in immediate termination.
If I feel it’s a misunderstanding, I will encourage the nanny go back to the family and hash things out.
In these tough situations, the family needs to discern whether the nanny was just not a good fit for their particular family, or ages of children, or skill sets required, or if there are serious character flaws that should not be foisted on another family. Was it a onetime problem? Could she learn from it? Some Moms would prefer to let their nanny go rather than addressing things like macaroni and cheese left on the counter all day. They really don’t like the manager part of their role, and I can relate to that. I had to have a friend ‘hold my hand’ as I let my first employee go. It was painful, but she just wasn’t a good fit.
However, in these tough economic times, a family doesn’t want to cause someone to be struggling financially simply because personalities didn’t mesh, or they don’t like communicating.

Here are some guidelines to ease the pain.

1. It’s crucial to make distinctions, since the well being of other families and children are at stake. Reliability, trustworthiness and honesty are core values that you deserve and your children need to see lived out daily.
2. Sometimes personalities don’t mesh, communicationstops, and  attitudes and work habits worsen. If this is what happened, try to see both sides and be fair.
If you never told your nanny what frustrated you about her lack of effort, is it fair to put that on her reference? But if you told her and she didn’t improve, then you’re right.
3. When talking to another family, ask questions first. Maybe the problems you had won’t apply and she would be a better fit for them.
4. Bring out the good as well as the bad.
5. As an alternative, consider writing a letter of employment verification.
6. At her exit interview, gently and frankly tell her why you’re unhappy and can’t give a reference. This will give you peace of mind, and she will know her status and can move forward. You will save her weeks of wasted effort, giving your name out as a reference and wondering why no one hires her.
7. Learn from the experience and let go of it emotionally.

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In October, Caring Nanny staff enjoyed a fabulous APNA (Association of Premier Nanny Agencies) conference at the Firesky resort in Scottsdale, just two blocks from our office. Premier agencies from all over the country came to learn from each other and discuss our shared issues. Since we work in an unregulated industry, we find that we have to create and maintain ethical standards for self regulating.

Ann Klein from White House Nannies (author of the book by that title), taught us how to deal with difficult situations. We discussed how to recruit top nanny candidates, how to recruit and train quality housekeepers, building and retaining a great office team, and psychologist Ann Wycoff Ph.D. shared with us how to assess personality traits to select the best candidates for our clients. A team of attornies discussed legal questions. We got into small groups and hashed out sticky, nitty-gritty ethical questions.
Above all, we made friends with great people from all over the country who we realized we have a lot in common with. We all want to make our clients happy. We want them to like us and we can’t sleep at night if they don’t. We are an ethical group. We really love children and care about who is with them in their formative years. We like to laugh.
It took a lot of work for Caring Nannies to join APNA, and APNA works hard all year to make this industry professional.
Because of APNA’s high standards and rigorous screening process, only the best and brightest agencies belong. Nearly 4 years ago, we had to make significant changes and have all of our documents, applications, website and contracts scrutinized. We had to stop asking illegal questions, we must conduct ourself ethically and uphold professional standards. APNA spies called and caught us explaining that sometimes a nanny can just fill out a 1099, rather than a W-4  tax form. (We thought there were some exceptions, but they actually can’t.) Joining APNA means we commit to excellence in everything we do.

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