boundaries – A Caring Nanny

June 15, 2013 Blog, Uncategorized By admin No Comments

ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH YOUR NANNY? TIGHTEN MUSHY BOUNDARIES

Boundaries in the home with a nanny are naturally confusing.There are two basic ways you relate to others: There’s a business relationship with someone or a family relationship. The business relationship is based on: ‘I have something for you”. The basis is performance. You perform for me and I perform for you. The family relationship with someone is based on: “I am something to you. It’s what I am to you. The basis is a commitment. A permanent committed relationship. Here’s an example of how these two relationships work out.

There are two different ways you can live in someone’s house. Generally, you’re either there as a tenant or as a family member. If you’re a tenant, the person who owns the house is your landlord and you rent their house. You can have a pretty good relationship with them as long as you pay the rent and respect the property.

But the relationship has structure and rules that are mechanical.There are rules for the tenant and the landlord also has certain rules he must follow. The landlord has to do maintenence. You can have a pretty good relationship, but the basis of your approach and the interchange is a mechanical one of goods and services. One of the problems is that when you live in a house and you see the boarders every day, the relationship continually tries to move off the business relationship into friendship. You start to not just give goods and services but listen to their problems and and start to move into friendship, and it’s hazardous. What happens when you have to put the screws to somebody when they aren’t paying the rent and they have become your friend and they’re not taking care of the property? A business relationship is a conditional one, but family relationships move towards being unconditional.

The business relationship is based on what you have–performance, and the family relationship is moving towards who you are. One is conditional and one is unconditional. One has to do with your doing and one has to do with your being. You’ve gotta watch out. You can’t become friends with the tenants.

At home, you’re supervising a nanny and you’re both crossing boundaries and she becomes your friend. Now what happens when she’s not towing the line, not coming through on her job description? Or, you start leaving the dishes in the sink on Sunday nights, and soon, it’s every night. It’s very difficult, very dissonant. There are two basic types of relationships and there’s a need to keep the tension between the two.

You can also be living in the home of your parents and you’re not a boarder, you’re a child. The paradigm is different. The business relationship should work like: “If you perform you’ll be accepted. The way the family relationship works, is “that since your’re accepted, you should perform”. It’s two completely different ways of relating.

We’ve recently have had nannies reporting clients breeching boundary lines by asking indiscrete personal questions. When the nannies try to deflect those questions, the clients will as much say, “I feel I can’t trust you, because you’re not being completely open with me.”

We all want someone who will love our children as much as we do and who’s like a member of the family, and yet we need to walk that tightrope, so the relationship stays friendly, but business-like. I’m not saying this is easy, and the longer you’re together, the more you need to work on it.

If the boundaries at your house have gotten soft and mushy, how can you take back ground?

1. On your next Monthly Meeting share your failure to maintain the proper relationship. Nannies can have hurt feelings when Moms go back and forth on boundaries. One Nanny had a Mom who regularly made the nanny her ‘best friend’ and then ‘cut her off’ emotionally. when she realized she’d gone too far. Another Mom kept the nanny as her BFF, but when family came to visit, she became ‘The Help’.

2. Have regular evaluations with your nanny, either quarterly or at six months and a year. We have a Performance Review available. Just reply to this email and we’ll forward it to you.
3. Be award that you may have crossed her boundaries as well, perhaps by regularly coming home late and not expecting to pay extra, or slowly adding to her work load without mentioning any reimbursement, or by sharing marital discord with her.
4. If you’ve never sat down and filled out a Working Agreement, it’s not too late. This agreement delineates her responsibilities, schedule, reimbursement and many other practical guidelines that you decide on together.
5. Keep evaluating if you’re both walking the tightrope. Be friendly, but not BFFs. It just doesn’t work.

November 5, 2012 Uncategorized By admin No Comments

NANNY BOOT CAMP

On Saturday November 3, Caring Nannies held it’s four hour Nanny Boot Camp.

This free course is designed for all nannies placed or being placed through Caring Nannies, and empowers them with greater skills and professionalism and gives families a higher level of care and service. Caring Nannies offers three training events per year, and we require our nannies to attend two.

Nanny Boot Camp is an ongoing event and our goal is to see every nanny have a chance to attend. It covers communication, boundaries, constructing a Working Agreement, developing a weekly Play Plan, using the Nanny Log, improving children’s behavior, consistency, age appropriate activities, child health and safety, discipline techniques, establishing routines, defining your role. We teach using role-playing, discussing typical scenarios that come up and the ethical way to handle them, practice writing out a typical curriculum for several ages, conflict resolution, developing a resume and portfolio, and interview success.

Comments from attendees included these: “Thank you for the time, caring and thoughtfulness that went into your Nanny Boot Camp today. You have helped all of us to step up a notch in our chosen profession. I value that you understand our genuine service and love for the children and families we serve while we carry on that service in a pretty hidden manner and are often not openly valued. I believe we all get that, and recognition, and appreciation are not our motives…. was kinda fun to hear that you ‘get it’.”

“Thank you for helping us serve that much better.”

“It’s great to hear from other nannies and real experiences. I appreciate your kind support to us. Your continued education and conferences equals professional nannies!” and “You’re making us feel valued as nannies. We nannies work pretty much alone and without support.”
We applaud the nannies who gave up their Saturday morning to increase their skills, and connect with us and others in their profession! These are people who keep on learning, growing and stretching to be the best of the best! Thank you for coming! We know there were many others who wanted to come but had problems with scheduling, and we’ll host another class early next year.

October 29, 2012 Uncategorized By admin No Comments

CARING NANNIES IN DC FOR 2012 APNA CONFERENCE

Jenny Riojas, Placement Counselor at Caring Nannies is pictured with the staff from ABC Nannies in Denver, CO and The Help Company in CA.

JENNY REPRESENTS CARING NANNIES AT 2012 APNA CONFERENCE IN WASHINGTON DC
On October 11-13, I was privileged to attend the 2012 Association of Premier Nanny Agencies (APNA) annual conference in Washington DC with top-notch nanny agencies from all over the US. Dynamic professionals in the domestic staffing industry networked, shared, and generated ideas to better serve our families and nannies in our own Phoenix community.

We shared ideas about how to exceed client expectations, how to attract top candidates and communicate our vision, expectations and boundaries effectively with our nannies. We want to create a common feeling of pride and belonging and to detail our commitment to them. Events like this help us stay on top of the lastest background checks, providing high quality customer service, and ways to improve our service to our trusted, loyal families. Belonging to APNA (Association of Premier Nanny Agencies) and the INA (International

Nanny Association) and DEMA (Domestic Estate Managers Association) signifies an adherence to rigorous standards and ethics in the direction we take our business. Caring Nannies is continually striving to improve our offerings and give each family the top-notch help they deserve.
We have a vision to be the premier agency in Arizona and we’re so grateful to our wonderful nannies and valued families for bringing us to the place we are now.
We feel that we are not only building a business but building friendships as well. Since we are the only agency in AZ affiliated with APNA, we have much pride in attending these national conferences and implementing all that we learn to continue to be at the top of our industry.
I reunited with old friends, made new friends, toured the sights of Washington DC, and enjoyed a fulfilling, successful weekend!

Jenny exploring the White House and DC while attending the 2012 APNA conference.

October 13, 2012 Blog, Uncategorized By admin No Comments

DOMESTIC ESTATE MANAGERS CONVENTION Serving those who serve others

Beth and Jenny were excited to attend the inagural convention of DEMA The Domestic Estate Manager’s Association in LA the last weekend of September.

It was a testimony to the Estate Manager’s and Home Manager’s expertise in pulling off a perfectly coordinated, relevant event with exquisite attention to detail. We were able to network with vendors such as ADT, TROV, Miele, Pall Mall Art Advisors, Lugano Diamonds, Limolink and Pioneer Linens.

After a tantalizing lunch sponsored by TROV, Chicago Chapter President David Barrie and principal Chris Stephenson presented “Setting Service Level Expectations in Business and the Estate”. David Barrie then accepted the DEMA 2012 “Humanitarian of the Year Award”which was awarded to The Stephenson Family of Cancer Treatment Centers of America. CTCA has worked tirelessly to uphold the widely acclaimed “Mother Standard” of care in an effort to provide the very highest caliber of treatment and compassion to patients battling cancer.

An instructive woprkshop on “Acquiring and Caring for Fine Jewels” presented by Moti Ferder and his office manager Stuart Winston whose presentation underlined the importance of having the right company maintain and transport jewelry.

We were able to hear speakers like Charles MacPherson of Charles MacPherson Academy for Butlers and Household Managers discussing ‘Boundaries’, presentations by Chuck Horst & Doug Greenberg “Caring for Couture Wardrobes”, Avi Ben David’s “High Security Locks- eCylinders and Access Control, Alexander Dahlgren’s “How to Choose the Best Vendors & Contractors”.

Anita Heriot of Pall Mall Art Advisors presented “Art as an Asset: Protecting Your Client”. Bonnie Low Kramen provided insight into her experiences with her presentation, “For the Love of It: Game Changing Secrets from a Celebrity Assistant”. “Mastering the Arrangement of a Private Jet Flight”, was presented by Ngaire Duncan and Steve Feldman introduced members to “Recycling Luxury Kitchens”.

Session two included presenters Katie Vaughn and Mimi Brady of Westside Nannies who presented “Happy Wife, Happy Life: The Most Important Hire You Will Ever make” while Jim Henderson tackled “Why Downsizing is so BIG Today” with “Productivity Tips & Tricks”. Vickie Evans simultaneously provided members with instruction on utilizing Word and Excel in “Covering Excel & Word”.
Beth and Jenny with the representative from ADT

The last session of the day was kicked off by Teresa Leigh, of Teresa Leigh of Household Risk Management on “Conflict with the Family”. In addition to Ms. Leigh, Shelley Whizin presented “What about You? The Balance Between Management & Personal Life”.
Click to view featured Highlights

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February 5, 2012 Blog By admin No Comments

3 Keys to Healthy Nanny Boundaries

Lora and Lucia Enjoy a Quiet Moment

A regular employee / employer relationship can get complicated under normal circumstances, but if you’ve ever been a nanny or if you’ve employed a nanny, you know that it’s different from any other employee/employer relationship. A nanny may spend more time with the children and other members of their immediate family than the parents do. Usually, the children adore their nanny and in turn the nanny loves the children and develops a wonderful bond with them. That’s what parents want–the peace of mind knowing that their children are cared for and truly loved.
It’s easy for the family to grow close to their nanny, since they are trusting her with their precious little ones, and over time, the nanny naturally begins to feel like part of the family. The nanny’s goals should be for her to make the family and children feel comfortable, to feel she’s part of the family and not just considered an employee. Both need each and rely on each other. It is fine to be close, but the key is not to get too close. This relationship especially requires healthy boundaries. However, that is easier said than done. There’s an invisible line that gets blurred along the way. How can we head off these problems?
1. BE RESPECTFUL. The nanny must respect the family as her employer and the family should respect her limits as the nanny. There must be a degree

of emotional detachment, of not taking things personally.

2. DON’T SHARE TOO MUCH. It’s important for both the nanny and the employers to understand that neither are each other’s therapists. Both parties need to remember not to divulge too much information, especially personal information to each other. That doesn’t mean they can’t support each other. If something major is taking place within the family, like a divorce, or a death, of course the nanny will know and is affected by it and will help the family and especially the children get through it. However, it is wise not to discuss the following personal matters with your nanny:
a) Marital Problems
b) Financial Issues
c) Sex
d) Problems with a former Nanny
The nanny’s observations and opinions regarding such personal issues within the household should be kept to a minimum. The employer sets the example for what’s acceptable to share and what should remain off-limits. Unless it directly affects the nanny’s job, she really doesn’t need to know. Likewise, when it comes to a nanny’s personal life, the family shouldn’t ask personal questions that don’t pertain to her nanny responsibilities. This helps in preserving the separation between her personal life and her job.
3. SET BOUNDARIES FROM THE START. Although it is not easy, both the family and the nanny should strive to maintain the types of relationships that would be appropriate at an outside-of-the-home workplace. Since that invisible line easily gets blurred, define boundaries from the start, including them in the written Working Agrement. This helps everyone become comfortable with what is and is not appropriate. The result is a healthy and long-term relationship that is beneficial to all, especially the children. We realize this is harder than it seems. The relationship between Moms and their nannies is a veritable mine field, and even Moms who are head of HR stuggle with these issues, because, “She is home with my baby all day and I don’t want to rock the boat–it’s really not that important.” But it is important and it is harder than you’d think. So remember that you can call our office any time with concerns or questions, or just to vent!:)
Jenny Riojas

Tags: boundaries, Financial Issues, Nanny

January 22, 2012 Blog By admin No Comments

Boundaries With Nanny–Balancing The Invisible Line

The irresistible series, Downton Abby, touted as an “instant classic” by the New York Times, is airing on Masterpiece Theatre on Sunday nights in January on PBS. This is a revision of the extremely popular Upstairs, Downstairs that ran in England for years in the 70’s, and is all about boundaries.The upper class family upstairs and the other whole world of the servants below, and the class line between them is an education for all nannies and household staff. As World War One begins, the boundaries are abruptly softened.
Lady Mary Crawley asks Anna, the Head Housemaid, for advice in her love life and Anna demurely replies that it would not be for her to say, but she does instructively convey how she feels about her own lost love: “There will never be another for me.” And when a visiting military commander is threatened by the spirited Irish chauffeur, Branson, the message must go through a ladder of servant levels until Mr Carson, the butler deftly and smoothly averts the attack without any of the dinner guests realizing what just happened, while we’re sweating it out watching.
Understanding boundaries, called “that magic line” which is never to be crossed, by the real world famous butler, Charles McPhearson, is key to the domestic professional, whether a nanny, mother’s helper, baby nurse, chef, personal assistant, butler or estate manager.

One of the many reasons why Caring Nannies only interviews candidates who have 2-3 years

of nanny experience is that they have experience distinguishing these important boundaries. The home environment is fraught with grey areas.A less experienced nanny will not pick up cues when she should melt away or not give an opinion.

Years ago, I helped several families as a baby nurse, and would often touch base with the mom when I came in. One evening, when I came in the Mom was chatting with a friend and I sat down on the couch to visit with them. The ladies froze, and I realized I’d missed a cue.
One of our nannies was a live-in nanny for an NBA player, and when just she and the Mom were together, they were best friends. But when visitors arrived, the nanny was instantly relegated to the ‘servant’ role. An experienced professional will take this in stride and not take it personally.
It’s challenging, because what we love to hear when collecting references is: “She became like part of the family.” That’s what we all want. We want someone to care for our children and homes as though it were their own. But at the end of the day, they do go home. Accomplishing this balance takes the finesse of a tightrope walker, but this is one way that nannies and domestic staff are completely different from any other professional. The exxperienced ones get it. We’ve had nannies fired for working out in the master bedroom (it was the mirrored closet doors that inspired her), for giving unwarranted advice, and for following their own protocol rather than the parents.
Tips for nannies and household staff:
Remember that the employer is the boss, and they are paying you to follow their preferences.
Assume that the family needs lots of space and boundaries. They are not hiring a friend. Don’t chit-chat with them about your life. If you’re asked a question that crosses your boundaries, deflect it sweetly with a smile. Be friendly and professional.

If you have concerns or see a better way of doing something, bring up those concerns privately, not in front of the children or others. If they are not open, drop it and cheerfully continue with their way. In general, give no unsolicited advice unless the children are in danger. As one of our Moms’ reiterated last week, “If you feel you have a better way of doing something, please do it my way or come to me and let’s talk about it.” Your job is to discern needs spoken and unspoken and work with a servant’s heart so that when the employee walks through the door at day’s end, they are free to enjoy their children and home knowing that the major issues of the day have been dealt with.
The longer you’ve been a professional and the more you know, the harder it will be for you to do it their way unless you have that essential servant’s heart. You’ll be accustomed to doing things the way you know is best. Also, you have the recent experience of your last

family, and will naturally want to have the same kind of relationship/ rules/experience that you had before. Be ready to adjust to the new family worldview. Remember: Expectations ruin relationships.

How the family can help:

Be precise in your expectations, definite about messes and schedules. You’re the boss, so be assertive about it. Not easy for most of us. Start the relationship with a written agreement that details duties, hours pay, how discipline is to be handled, mileage compensation, family rules, etc.
It is difficult to become friends with your nanny or housekeeper and then come to them with problem or constructive criticism. Be warm and friendly, but keep back a bit of reserve. The best scenario is when you truly like the person you’ve hired, and you do feel like they could be your friend or a family member, since they are rendering such a vital service to your family.
Schedule formal monthly meetings with your nanny. Obviously, you will touch base daily or weekly, but these longer, more structured meetings will give you an opportunity to take more time to de-clutter any problems in the relationship. A shy caregiver may need more time to open up, and you may need moments of silence to share what is bothering you as well. Caring Nannies has tools that can help, but you have to opt into a monthly email reminder. We provide tips on how to get started, annual and semi-annual performance reviews and much much more!

Tags: boundaries, Communication, Downton Abby, Household Staffing, Like a member of The Family, Nannies, Nanny Employment, Relationships, The Invisible Line

ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH YOUR NANNY? TIGHTEN MUSHY BOUNDARIES

NANNY BOOT CAMP

CARING NANNIES IN DC FOR 2012 APNA CONFERENCE

DOMESTIC ESTATE MANAGERS CONVENTION Serving those who serve others

3 Keys to Healthy Nanny Boundaries

Boundaries With Nanny–Balancing The Invisible Line

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