Lady Mary Crawley asks Anna, the Head Housemaid, for advice in her love life and Anna demurely replies that it would not be for her to say, but she does instructively convey how she feels about her own lost love: “There will never be another for me.” And when a visiting military commander  is threatened by the spirited Irish chauffeur, Branson, the message must go through a ladder of servant levels until Mr Carson, the butler deftly and smoothly averts the attack without any of the dinner guests realizing what just happened, while we’re sweating it out watching.

Understanding boundaries, called “that magic line” which is never to be crossed, by the real world famous butler, Charles McPhearson, is key to the domestic professional, whether a nanny, mother’s helper, baby nurse, chef, personal assistant, butler or estate manager.

One of the many reasons why Caring Nannies only interviews candidates who have 2-3 years of nanny experience is that they have experience distinguishing these important boundaries. The home environment is fraught with grey areas. A less experienced nanny will not pick up cues when she should melt away or not give an opinion.

Years ago, I helped several families as a baby nurse, and would often touch base with the mom when I came in. One evening, when I came in  the Mom was chatting with a friend and I sat down on the couch to visit with them. The ladies froze, and I realized I’d missed a cue.

One of our nannies was a live-in nanny for an NBA player, and when  just she and the Mom were together, they were best friends. But when visitors arrived, the nanny was instantly relegated to the ‘servant’ role. An experienced professional will take this in stride and not take it personally.

It’s challenging, because what we love to hear when collecting references  is: “She became like part of the family.” That’s what we all want. We want someone to care for our children and homes as though it were their own. But at the end of the day, they do go home. Accomplishing this balance takes the finesse of a tightrope walker, but this is one way that nannies and domestic staff are completely different from any other professional. The exxperienced ones get it.  We’ve had nannies fired for working out in the master bedroom (it was the mirrored closet doors that inspired her), for giving unwarranted advice, and for following their own protocol rather than the parents.

Tips for nannies and household staff:

Remember that the employer is the boss, and they are paying you to follow their preferences.
Assume that the family needs lots of space and boundaries. They are not hiring a friend. Don’t chit-chat with them about your life. If you’re asked a question that crosses your boundaries,  deflect it sweetly with a smile. Be friendly and professional.
       If you have concerns or see a better way of doing something, bring up those concerns privately, not in front of the children or others. If they are not open, drop it and cheerfully continue with their way. In general, give no unsolicited advice unless the children are in danger. As one of our Moms’ reiterated last week, “If you feel you have a better way of doing something, please do it my way or come to me and let’s talk about it.” Your job is to discern needs spoken and unspoken and work with a servant’s heart so that when the employee walks through the door at day’s end, they are free to enjoy their children and home knowing that the major issues of the day have been dealt with.
The longer you’ve been a professional and the more you know, the harder it will be for you to do it their way unless you have that essential servant’s heart. You’ll be accustomed to doing things the way you know is best. Also, you have the recent experience of your last family, and will naturally want to have the same kind of relationship/ rules/experience that you had before. Be ready to adjust to the new family worldview. Remember: Expectations ruin relationships.

How the family can help:

Be precise in your expectations, definite about messes and schedules. You’re the boss, so be assertive about it. Not easy for most of us. Start the relationship with a written agreement that details duties, hours pay, how discipline is to be handled, mileage compensation, family rules, etc.

It is difficult to become friends with your nanny or housekeeper and then come to them with problem or constructive criticism. Be warm and friendly, but keep back a bit of reserve. The best scenario is when you truly like the person you’ve hired, and you do feel like they could be your friend or a family member, since they are rendering such a vital service to your family.

Schedule formal monthly meetings with your nanny. Obviously, you will touch base daily or weekly, but these longer, more structured meetings will give you an opportunity to take more time to de-clutter any problems in the relationship. A shy caregiver may need more time to open up, and you may need moments of silence to share what is bothering you as well.  Caring Nannies has tools that can help, but you have to opt into a monthly email reminder. We provide tips on how to get started, annual and semi-annual performance reviews and much much more!

Free iPhone App has now been upgraded to make it easier and safer to use

You’re shopping at the mall with your children when one of them suddenly disappears. A quick search of the nearby area is unsuccessful. What do you do?

Now there’s a free new tool from the FBI that can help. And it’s just been updated!

The iPhone mobile application, which enables users to electronically store photos and vital information about their children, so it’s handy if they need it, was launched on August 5 and has been downloaded over 80,000 times.
In response to user feedback, the FBI Child ID APP has been updated with new features, including password protection and more photo capabilities. With the Child ID App, you can quickly share pictures and physical identifiers such as height and weight with police officers. And using a special tab on the app, you can quickly and easily e-mail the information to authorities with a few clicks.
This app also includes tips on keeping children safe as well as specific guidelines on what to do in those first crucial hours after a child goes missing. Tell your friends and families about this life-saving tool. The FBI does NOT have access to any of the information about your child untill you release it to them.  READ MORE         DOWNLOAD

You’ve gone through the work and expense of searching for that perfect fit for your family, and you’ve hired a great nanny, so now how can you ensure that she stays long-term? The keys are simple, but you need to make them a priority. It is essential to make your nanny feel respected, appreciated, and valued. Great nannies are hard to come by, so you’ll definitely want to follow these helpful tips.

THANK HER. Sometimes families get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, and become too comfortable with their nanny, and forget to recognize all the little things she does on a daily basis to help the household run smoothly. A simple thank you at the end of the day goes a long way. Thank her for all her hard work in caring for your children and she will feel appreciated.

COMMUNICATE WITH HER. Open and honest communication is essential to foster a healthy and long-term bond. Discuss the terms of the position before her first day of work and fill out a working agreement together. Make an effort to sit down once a month for an informal review to just make sure everyone is on the same page, remembering that this is also the time to really listen to how she is feeling about the position and to discuss any concerns she may have. Give feedback and constructive criticism and also let her know that you value her voice and opinion. Just be sure sure to communicate your thoughts and feelings with her every step of the way. So often a nanny is left confused as to why the arrangement didn’t work out because she was not told what she was doing wrong, and there was no real communication. This is hard to do, Moms, but JUST DO IT!

BE FLEXIBLE AND VALUE HER TIME. Nannies know that flexibility comes with the job and they usually have no problem adjusting their schedule to meet the needs of their employer when asked. But as you are asking her to be flexible with you, be flexible with her occasionally, and don’t abuse her flexibility. If she asks to leave work early for a special event, try to make it work. From the nanny’s perspective, if the parents are consistently showing up late from work, the nanny will not feel that her time is being valued. This will cause resentment and will affect how flexible she chooses to be in the future.

SUPPORT HER AUTHORITY WITH THE CHILDREN. Be sure to be on the same page with discipline. The nanny needs to clearly understand how you want situations handled and follow your guidelines. A common problem nannies encounter is when parents undermine her authority with the children or intervene when she is disciplining the kids. The nanny will feel unsupported, but it also creates a problem for the children as they will become confused as to whom to listen to. They really want to know whois in charge and will test everyone if there is any confusion. This is the foundation of their security. The nanny does not feel like she is trusted to make the right decision if she is constantly being undermined. Let the children know that while the nanny is here, she is the one in charge and her rules must be followed. The nanny will feel valued if the rules are consistently upheld, even on the weekends.

So to keep that great nanny you just hired, remember to show her she is valued and appreciated. She is caring for your precious children and her dedication to the job deserves to be recognized. Let the last thing she hears from you at the end of the day be: THANK YOU!

Jenny Riojas

Two Glendale, California brothers may have been sexually molested by a 19 year old babysitter they found through an online site. Investigators say the suspect was communicating with up to 100 families using online childcare sites.

Online babysitting sites give families a false sense of security by saying the applicants are ‘mom approved’ or have gone through a nationwide background check. Most online services are just postings put up by anyone who wants to advertise their availability and do not ensure a families safety.

Families don’t realize that the $9.95 computerized background checks can easily miss a red flag. Sitter City uses LexisNexis, and has a disclaimer on it’s site that it covers only 38 states. Some online job posting services call the LexisNexis check nationwide which can be misleading. Misdemeanors rarely show up on the quick and inexpensive nationwide computer searches. Typically, only a felony will be reported. So the inexpensive background check may give feeling of security, but they won’t report a candidates lower level run-ins with the law which tells you so much about their past and character.

While the cost of a professional background check is much more expensive, costing up to hundreds of dollars, it takes time and knowledge to do it right, and most critically, it is done by a person, not a computer. This is the safety net that Caring Nannies puts up for each our families before sending a candidate to work in a home with young children. You can read in detail what a thorough background check entails here

Caring Nannies uses US Information Search, a nationally recognized service that provides the most comprehensive checks available. A candidate’s social security number is traced to find every state in which they have lived. A record search is done of each county where the candidate has lived.

We meet with each candidate in person and are experienced in seeing potential problems, and we know the right questions to ask. We also use a personality testing program to search out candidates who are patient, kind, and genuinely love children.
The online sites will represent anyone who can fill out the form.

After 28 years in the business, families come to us because of our reputation for sifting out all but 8% of the candidates who come to us. Your family’s safety and security and well being is our top concern.

The difference between now and before the economic downturn is that instead of receiving 5-10 resumes for each position, today, we need to sort through dozens of resumes.  How do we go about matching the people who are best suited for your family?

How can personality testing help you in choosing the right nanny as well as securing an ongoing strong relationship with her?

Interestingly, many of our top tier nannies have their greatest strength in the “Supporter” or “Always there when you need them” Type “D” personality. The typical “D” personality doesn’t like change, and prefers to be given a set of guidelines to follow and they enjoy routine. They are very supportive of others and are the kind of person we turn to when we need advice. They are high in compassion and are happy and content with themselves and life in general. They are dependable, on time, adding balance and support in the home.

We suspect that many of our clients are Type A personalities, described as leaders, entrepreneurial, risk takers, independent, direct and to the point. They prefer to delegate routine tasks to others. Type “A” is often a business owner, manager, or in a position requiring a take charge, decisive, persistent person.

The “C” personality thrives on details, accuracy and takes life seriously. They dress impeccably, want to get the ‘facts’, are consistent, and predictable. They take a long time to make a decision, are deep, thoughtful and sensitive. They can get caught up in the details and not see the big picture.

“B” is the socializer, high energy one, who loves to be in a big group, and is the center of attention, and wants to have fun while working. They want to be liked, and can be sensitive. They are outgoing, persuasive, and talkative.

PERSONALITY OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Although opposites attract, they can clash. Opposites can complement each other if they try to understand each other’s perspective. Opposite personalities often marry and it works since they make up for the other’s weaknesses. However, if a parent is expecting the nanny to do things in a way that is opposite her personality, there can be conflict.
If a neat, precise “C” personality is micro-managing a nanny who is creative, gets out the play-doh, or finger-paints, makes  tents in the living room, and shoots paper airplanes, this may not work out for long. Nothing is “wrong” with either person, they just need to have more insight into each other’s personalities and find middle ground. If the Mom is inflexible and demands perfection, it won’t surprise us to see turnover, especially if the nanny is a strong “B” personality.
Every family and company probably has all 4 personalities, and each one’s gift is needed to balance out the dynamics. The key is having the right understanding to identify these traits so you have the best chance of successfully working with each other.

In our uncertain economy, many  of us feel it is a sacrifice just to have in-home help and the thought of  gifting our nanny seems out of reach. However showing appreciation need not be pricey. My most memorable gifts were homemade or showed that someone had put some thought into me, and noticed what I liked. So observe your nanny, see what she values, and involve the whole family.

1. PRAISE HER IN FRONT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS Let your nanny hear you brag about her while you’re talking to others. She may blush or say something back, but secretely she’s feeling pround that you’re happy with her.

2. GIVE HER A SUPRISE DAY OR HALF OFF. If you can work from home one afternoon or secretly arrange for someone to watch your children, surprise her by giving her a few hours off, and perhaps top it off with a certificate for a pedicure, a massage, a movie ticket or resturant.

3. MAKE A SPECIAL DINNER FOR HER Find out what she likes and have the family prepare a homemade meal or take her out for dinner with the familly.

4. LEAVE SURPRISE STICKY NOTES IN UNEXPECTED PLACES Try leaving notes in odd places, like inside the microwave, the refrigerator or even on toilet paper. A good example would be to put one on a light switch that says, “You brighten up our home.”

5. TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU NEED HER Let her know your family just wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t have her. Tell her how much you appreciate how she loves and nurtures your children.

6. WRITE A SILLY SONG ABOUT HER make up a silly song or poem and video-record it or sing/read it in person.

The nature of the nanny profession can entail isolation and often work long hours, up to 10-12 hours per day. Nannies are asked to work 24/7 while parents are out of town. Some nannies barely get to the bathroom during the day. They rarely work a 40 hour work week and lunch time means feeding the kids, and they often don’t get a real break. If they can find windows during the day to get a few personal things done: making a doctor appointment, paying a bill, calling a sick relative, making a play-date with another nanny, or using their GPS to get directions, that’s good.  Sometimes it’s the only adult contact they have during the day. This isolation can be hard for nannies; however it also makes it easier for them to misuse this time to advance their own social agenda. A day care worker has a supervisor watching her!

There is a time and place to make personal calls during the day: nap time or waiting in the car for children to get out of school. Parents want and need to reach the nanny during the day, and many of our Moms prefer texting rather than phone calls for changes in schedules or last minute grocery items.  And what parent doesn’t love getting a photo or video of their child while they’re at work?

Nannies are paid professionals whose job is to pay attention to the children and put the family ahead of their own needs during working hours. And they are paid well, getting benefits, overtime, bonuses, holidays and paid vacations. We encourage our families to openly discuss cell phone use with their employees so expectations are clear, and there is a place in our working agreement to address it.

Open-ended discussions and trust bring better results than micromanaging.

A great nanny is present, observant and interactive, and having your cell phone with you at work can be useful, but disruptive. It is really hard not to get caught up with connecting all the time. Nannies and parents can be plugged in to the outside world but miss the wonder, creativity and joy of the children in their care. It’s actually refreshing to throw yourself into the life and needs of another so you have no time to think about yourself. Children discern their value from caregivers who give them eye contact, interact playfully and are fully involved. Use common sense, stop and think—don’t just react to the ringtone. Here are some ideas to help you stay balanced:

Beth Weise, CEO