Ask the Experts: Praise
Q. Can Praise be Damaging to Children?
A. New research has shown that praise can actually be detrimental to your child. Carol Dweck, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, has spent over 40 years researching what words motivate children. Students who were given an intelligence test were divided into two groups. One group was praised for their natural intelligence and ability and the other for their hard work. The results were revealing. When students from the natural ability group were asked if they wanted to take a more difficult exam next, they gravitated towards an easier test. They were afraid that the hard test may show that they weren’t really that smart. The majority of the children in the hard work group, were eager to take a risk, and took the more challenging test. Then all the children took a test two years above their level and many of them did not do well. Later, both groups were given the original test again, and one third of the “natural ability” group did worse because their confidence had been shaken. They were even willing to lie about how poorly they did on the second test. On the other hand, the “hard work” group did 30% better.
What can we learn from this? Refrain from praising your children with works like “fantastic!” or “that’s terrific”. “Good job!”or “ You are so smart, athletic, fast, beautiful.” Instead, use more thoughtful words that praise the effort, hard work, character your child has shown. The immediate problem is that the child believes that this is now a standard to uphold—no one is always fantastic best or terrific. This kind of praise evaluates the results of the child’s efforts, and if he doesn’t perform as well next time, he is not quiet up to par.
Some suggestions:
Praise the act - not the result—rather than say, “What a fantastic soccer player you are!” try this: “I noticed that your hard work at practice has paid off. You blocked that ball five times!” Rather than, “Your room looks terrific!” say, “You worked so hard putting all those little lego pieces away all by yourself!” If you use this more thoughtful style of praise, the child will begin to value the process, rather than focusing on the results. This makes him willing to take risks in any kind of creative endeavor. Praise the process—the hard work, the diligence, the creativity, the character you see being developed.
Describe, describe, describe. This takes more thought on your part, but to the child, it has the ring of authenticity. The child is not pressured to be the best, or to rise to some unrealistic imagined level of perfection. The truth is, none of us is terrific, and the result is that the child’s self esteem suffers. Everyone has the right to have bad days, be imperfect, and to make mistakes.
Be specific, be sincere, look him in the eye, do it immediately, and acknowledge the effort it took.
For more information on this subject and more parenting tips and on-line classes, see Toni Schutta, parenting coach at www.familiesfirst coaching.com.
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